I was thinking about how I’ve been having a hard time keeping up with this blog lately and a few things occurred to me.
First, it is really nice to have things to do that prevent me from doing something like this. A majority of my life has been spent wishing that I had something to do, that I had something to offer that would persuade people to engage my time. I used to spew opinions and advice out on everyone, desperate for someone to understand how smart I was and involve me in some worthwhile enterprise. The problem was, any person with any sort of insight could take one look at me and know that any advice coming from me would probably only be useful in helping you if you chose to do the exact opposite. Through a few years of having absolutely nothing to engage my time I learned that I really don’t know much of anything at all and then found everything else in my life falling into place and slowly watched as my time began to belong to other people. This has been the oddest thing to me.
Second, I am constantly struck by how what has been a very difficult semester for me now is still something that I would have traded an arm for in the past. I haven’t had a day off in as long as I can remember but my days are passed in a quiet, friendly place where I am constantly engaged in some sort of edifying work. I am allowed to create things and share them with others, I am allowed to work with people on things that affect their actual lives and futures and I am asked what I think about things. This is astonishing to me on a daily basis.
Lastly, I am constantly looking forward to a better and better life. I cannot exaggerate what a change this is from the future I used to see. To have a present I enjoy coupled with a future I look forward to is something I did not think existed for people like me.
I think that the best way to express how I feel about my life can be seen in the fact that I do have moments of fear that this is all a dream and I will wake up 10 years ago. How many people are lucky enough to say that one of their bigger fears is that their life is a really good dream?